The coach

I had an appointment with my coach this morning. Although I’ve been seeing her for 4-5 months now and I have told her that I smoked dope, I never revealed the extent of my problem. Before our meeting today I sent her a link to this blog, basically admitting how much of a problem I had. 

She was actually very positive and saw the fact that I have begun to realise and accept the problem as a very good thing. One of the most interesting things to come out of our chat was identifying the point in my life at which my addiction started. About 10 years ago I was a ski instructor and bartender in Garmisch-Partenkirchen, Germany. This was the place that I chose as my refuge after being kicked out of studying medicine for failing exams. I was enjoying life but my parents insisted that I go back to university and study again after my year as a ski instructor was over. I didn’t want to, but listened to them and went back to London to study biomedical sciences at King’s College. I was stuck in a little room with puke-green walls in a halls of residence in South London. I hated it. I hated every minute of it. I hated the people, I hated the place and I hated the course. I began smoking dope regularly to help me forget the unhappiness of being there. It acted as a security blanket for me. I fell in with the wrong crowd and started smoking huge amounts of dope. This helped dull the pain that I was feeling. Although I had smoked dope before this, it had never evolved into addiction before.

The summer after that first year, I worked as a waiter at a restaurant in the south of france. It was here that I met my ex-girlfriend. Life was a lot happier with her but at some point the summer had to end and I had to go back to London. Except that this time I was no longer in a halls of residence. I was now living in a house with my addict/user friends. It was just as horrible and I hated it. She eventually came to live with me and discovered the substance abuse that I was living with. At the end of the term we decided that change was required, so we moved back with my parents in Germany and I entered an apprenticeship as a cook. I’d really enjoyed my summer working at a restaurant and wanted to stay in the business.

Unfortunately, I never took the time to work through and come to terms with this time in London. A classic apprenticeship as a cook takes 3-4 years and is incredibly stressfull. A few months after starting my apprenticeship, my ex-girlfriend moved back to Denmark and started studying in Copenhagen. I was now in a long-distance relationship and in an apprenticeship that was not only physically hard work but also incredibly emotionally stressfull. I slipped back into my pattern of abuse. This time it wasn’t quite so bad, but I would smoke a joint every night after work to help me come down and relax after a hard day.

It has just carried on from there. My ex hated me smoking, I think because of our time in London, and wanted me to stop. I couldn’t, but out of fear of losing her I decided to hide it. Stupid decision. But that’s material for another post.

At least I’ve identified the source of my abuse and can now begin to do something about it. I haven’t smoked dope today, well done!

Should I stay or should I go?

I’m feeling stronger every day. I am beginning to feel that Louise made the right decision in ending the relationship. After my crisis 2 years ago, when I fell out of love with my ex, I decided to compromise in a lot of ways to be able to live the dream of marrying my girl. That might have been the wrong decision, but at least I gave it a shot.

I am beginning to feel that I’m in control again. I think that we were both chasing a feeling that was once there and I respect her for having the guts to end an unhappy relationship. Thank you baby you have opened a whole new world of opportunites for me.

If I hadn’t mentioned it, I am in the process of putting my restaurant up for sale. This means that I have to find something new after January/February. Originally when all of this started four weeks ago I decided to sell the restaurant and I thought that I would find a job as a web designer. However I’m beginning to feel that maybe going south to the alps and working as a luxury chalet chef or chalet manager might be a very interesting move. 

I am highly qualified to do it and the sun and sports would really do a lot of good for my soul. I think it would also be a hell of a lot of fun. It would mean admiting that I was only in Denmark for ex. It would mean that I’d be leaving some friends behind, but there’s always facebook and good friends keep in touch.

Stream of consciousness

I’ve had a really good day today. I’ve had so many thoughts and experiences, but because I’ve been in control the emotional rollercoaster has been tolerable, even enjoyable. I think I’me just gonna publish this post under life and just describe my day.

After posting last night, I didn’t go to bed until 3 am. I don’t know why but I just felt like staying up. When I fell asleep, I had an amazing dream. It was a dream that I remember I’ve had before, (it was like deja vu). It involved another girl and I can’t for the life of me remember what she looks like but suffice it to say that it was an amazing dream and a very positive experience. I woke at 05:30 and remember repeating to myself  ”I hope I have that dream again, I’d really like to see her face again”. After waking up I managed I  to fall asleep without listening to BBC podcasts ( I normally have to have noise to fall asleep). I knew I only had 3 hours to sleep before going to work, but I felt really positive about it. 

Yes, I was tired when I woke up but I felt fresh. But in the back of mind all sorts of thought were running wild. My ex has said before thatI have an ability to convince myself of anything…….I’ve had to compromise in this relationship.

and then I fell asleep.

 

The first day

Hi, my name is Junkie and today is the first day of my new life.

My relationship of 8 years ended yesterday evening. A beautiful Danish girl with a smile that could light up a room. It’s a hell of a long time 8 years. I even asked her to marry me. She said yes. I thought all was good but apparently not.

That’s not the only thing that ended today. I have a confession to make. I am a junkie, an addict. For the last 15 years of my life I have smoked marijuana. But today that ends. I have wanted to stop for years, but I never had the guts. Now I have found the guts and from today I will no longer be addicted to cannabis. It will no longer rule me and I will not be a slave to it. Never again will I buy hash, grass, weed, pot, papers or pipes.

Whew, I really needed to get that off my chest. 

Hopefully this journal will help me get over my girl and beat my addiction. I intend to write every day but for today I think I’ve revealed enough.

See you tomorrow.