The coach

I had an appointment with my coach this morning. Although I’ve been seeing her for 4-5 months now and I have told her that I smoked dope, I never revealed the extent of my problem. Before our meeting today I sent her a link to this blog, basically admitting how much of a problem I had. 

She was actually very positive and saw the fact that I have begun to realise and accept the problem as a very good thing. One of the most interesting things to come out of our chat was identifying the point in my life at which my addiction started. About 10 years ago I was a ski instructor and bartender in Garmisch-Partenkirchen, Germany. This was the place that I chose as my refuge after being kicked out of studying medicine for failing exams. I was enjoying life but my parents insisted that I go back to university and study again after my year as a ski instructor was over. I didn’t want to, but listened to them and went back to London to study biomedical sciences at King’s College. I was stuck in a little room with puke-green walls in a halls of residence in South London. I hated it. I hated every minute of it. I hated the people, I hated the place and I hated the course. I began smoking dope regularly to help me forget the unhappiness of being there. It acted as a security blanket for me. I fell in with the wrong crowd and started smoking huge amounts of dope. This helped dull the pain that I was feeling. Although I had smoked dope before this, it had never evolved into addiction before.

The summer after that first year, I worked as a waiter at a restaurant in the south of france. It was here that I met my ex-girlfriend. Life was a lot happier with her but at some point the summer had to end and I had to go back to London. Except that this time I was no longer in a halls of residence. I was now living in a house with my addict/user friends. It was just as horrible and I hated it. She eventually came to live with me and discovered the substance abuse that I was living with. At the end of the term we decided that change was required, so we moved back with my parents in Germany and I entered an apprenticeship as a cook. I’d really enjoyed my summer working at a restaurant and wanted to stay in the business.

Unfortunately, I never took the time to work through and come to terms with this time in London. A classic apprenticeship as a cook takes 3-4 years and is incredibly stressfull. A few months after starting my apprenticeship, my ex-girlfriend moved back to Denmark and started studying in Copenhagen. I was now in a long-distance relationship and in an apprenticeship that was not only physically hard work but also incredibly emotionally stressfull. I slipped back into my pattern of abuse. This time it wasn’t quite so bad, but I would smoke a joint every night after work to help me come down and relax after a hard day.

It has just carried on from there. My ex hated me smoking, I think because of our time in London, and wanted me to stop. I couldn’t, but out of fear of losing her I decided to hide it. Stupid decision. But that’s material for another post.

At least I’ve identified the source of my abuse and can now begin to do something about it. I haven’t smoked dope today, well done!

The waggon

My ex and I had a chat this morning. I gave her a “Kalendergave” this morning. A small rubiks cube. For me it symbolised our relationship and I know how much she loves to solve puzzles. It got us talking and I basically told her how I was feeling. Much of what I said to her was in last couple of night’s posts. She asked if that meant that I thought we shouldn’t get back together? I said no, I didn’t think we should. Life moves on. We’ll both be better off in the long run. I feel happy about this decision. I have listened to the voice inside of me and it’s for the best.

The reason for the title of this post is that I’ve fallen off the waggon. I have smoked dope the last two days. Stopping for a couple of days cleared my head, but I felt that I needed space to bring my relationship to an end. Plus I felt like it. But I am back in control again. I’m am going to put the piece somewhere safe and forget about it until next Saturday. I will not smoke before Saturday night. I would really like to spend my days off clear-headed. My long-term goal is still to stop smoking dope and it doesn’t really matter if I fall off the waggon, as long as I get back on again.

Am really looking forward to my days off. I’m meeting up with friends all my nights off, so I’m quite busy but it’s gonna be great to be out of the house and in control.

Have a good day.

Well done!

Well it’s day four and I’m still dope free but it was bloody hard. I didn’t think about dope all day today but when work was over, god did I feel like a joint. But I managed to resist! My business partner smoked a joint in front of me tonight and I managed to resist the urge not to puff. Of course he asked first if it was alright if he smoked a joint and I said yes, but it smelt soooo good. I’m very proud of myself that I managed to resist the temptation.

With the regards to the break up of my relationship I’ve been alot more realistic today. Yes there is still a huge hole in my life where her love used to be, but I’m beginning to realise that she is not the only girl in the world. There must be others out there that I’m just as attracted to and who actually fits my personality better. Maybe not so controlled and more passionate. When she is your girlfriend she can be very loving, but I’m beginning to realise that she actually has a quite a stern, cold and perfectionist side to her personality. The ice queen. She has a really beautiful personality under this exterior, I just hope for her sake that she doesn’t let the perfectionist take control in her future.

A short post tonight. It’s late and I’m tired. I’ll see you tomorrow.

How much did I lie?

If you read my other posts, then you probably think that I’ve been an extremely deceitful person. Four years ago on coming to Denmark I would lie every time she asked me if I’d been smoking. But as our relationship progressed and grew I would admit it more often. In the last year or so when she has asked me if I’d been smoking, I have admitted it every time. Mind you it’s not very often that she has asked in the last year. I’ve even admitted to it voluntarily several times.

I just don’t think she realised the scale of my addiction. It’s going to be a very scary thing to tell her but I really want to once I’ve been clean for some time, even if we aren’t going out anymore. I just wish I’d stopped earlier, maybe I could have saved my relationship.

The secret smoker

So day two is over. It wasn’t too hard. I had a bit of a pang today when I met up with my business partner and upon leaving he said he was going to stick around in the restaurant for a while and smoke a joint (we are closed today). The papers and hash were on the table and I managed to walk out. Feeling very chuffed about that. But once again I’m in bed early. Partly to write my journal but also to stop me getting bored watching tv and then sneaking out to pick something up. A much better idea going to bed if you ask me.

Well I’ve titled this post the secret smoker. That’s what I was. A secret and lonely smoker. My ex made it very clear that she disagreed with me smoking dope. As much as I love her I didn’t seem to be able to stop. So I hid it. Fucking junkie! But then again I’m the sort of person that if you tell me not to do something I’ll just go right ahead and do it. Probably what lead me down this path was a combination of stubbornness and addiction. Hopefully I’ve grown up now!

How did I hide it? Many different ways. I had secret stashes around the appartment and I tried to be careful. Sometimes she found unsmoked cigarette stubs, other times papers. But then I either admitted that yeah I still smoked occasionally or that the evidence was very old and I’m not smoking at the moment. But when you’re clearing out a freezerbag full of buttends and papers from behind the bookshelf every 3 months, then you know you’re a secret smoker.

How would I smoke without being caught. I would roll on the toilet. If you put the hash in your groin, it warms up and you can fluff it without a flame, because a lighter makes a noise. I would sit on the toilet and roll my joint. Usually I’d let her go to bed first so that I had peace and quiet on the toilet, then I’d smoke my “goodnight cigarette” out the window. Then I’d brush my teeth and go to bed. Sometimes she was asleep, sometimes still awake but she rarely noticed. 

It wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy being together with her. It wasn’t because I was trying to escape from her company. Not at all! I loved being around her. I just needed to stop the everyday thoughts running through my head from driving me insane. Under the influence those thoughts could just flow freely and I wouldn’t have to lie there analysing them. 

I am so sorry I deceived you baby. You were my one and everything and the reason why I smoked was not in any way your fault. I’m sorry.

Early to bed

It’s been a while since I’ve gone to bed this early. It’s only 10 pm and already I’m lying tucked up in bed writing this post.

My first day without dope! It was ok. I definitely felt the urge a couple of times today but it went away again. I think cannabis is much more of a mental addiction than an a physical one. I have managed to stop before. For example when going on holiday. It would usually be two weeks at a time and when we got back, I always promised myself that I wasn’t going to start again. But within a few hours of being home I’d snuck off to the hash club or found my stash from before the holidays.

But this time it’s for real. I could very easily just walk down the street and pick up for kr. 100,- but I’m not going to. I have made a choice and I’ve chosen to have a life!

I thought I’d talk about consumption in this post. As in quite how much I smoke. Almost without fail I will smoke a joint every night. Maybe two if we’ve finished early and I’m not ready to go to bed yet. But there are days when I smoke during daylight hours as well. Sometimes right after I get up. There are days when I don’t feel like I can go to work without a good morning spliff.  I used to do this when I was studying. A spliff early in the morning, so that I can just sit in lectures and chill. However, I stopped once the restaurant opened. But about three months ago I started doing this before going to work as well. Mainly so that I could tolerate being around my business partner. Probably about half the days in a week I would smoke one @ 9, one @ 15 and then another one or two after 22.

I only ever smoke joints. No pipes, no bongs or other weird and wonderful contraptions. My joints are usually quite weak. Just enough for me to have a taste, get a little buzz, relax and not have to think about all the things that worry me. But that doesn’t make it alright. Escaping into your own little world cuts you off from the people around you. No wonder my ex thinks I didn’t pay her enough attention. Fucking drugs!