The coach

I had an appointment with my coach this morning. Although I’ve been seeing her for 4-5 months now and I have told her that I smoked dope, I never revealed the extent of my problem. Before our meeting today I sent her a link to this blog, basically admitting how much of a problem I had. 

She was actually very positive and saw the fact that I have begun to realise and accept the problem as a very good thing. One of the most interesting things to come out of our chat was identifying the point in my life at which my addiction started. About 10 years ago I was a ski instructor and bartender in Garmisch-Partenkirchen, Germany. This was the place that I chose as my refuge after being kicked out of studying medicine for failing exams. I was enjoying life but my parents insisted that I go back to university and study again after my year as a ski instructor was over. I didn’t want to, but listened to them and went back to London to study biomedical sciences at King’s College. I was stuck in a little room with puke-green walls in a halls of residence in South London. I hated it. I hated every minute of it. I hated the people, I hated the place and I hated the course. I began smoking dope regularly to help me forget the unhappiness of being there. It acted as a security blanket for me. I fell in with the wrong crowd and started smoking huge amounts of dope. This helped dull the pain that I was feeling. Although I had smoked dope before this, it had never evolved into addiction before.

The summer after that first year, I worked as a waiter at a restaurant in the south of france. It was here that I met my ex-girlfriend. Life was a lot happier with her but at some point the summer had to end and I had to go back to London. Except that this time I was no longer in a halls of residence. I was now living in a house with my addict/user friends. It was just as horrible and I hated it. She eventually came to live with me and discovered the substance abuse that I was living with. At the end of the term we decided that change was required, so we moved back with my parents in Germany and I entered an apprenticeship as a cook. I’d really enjoyed my summer working at a restaurant and wanted to stay in the business.

Unfortunately, I never took the time to work through and come to terms with this time in London. A classic apprenticeship as a cook takes 3-4 years and is incredibly stressfull. A few months after starting my apprenticeship, my ex-girlfriend moved back to Denmark and started studying in Copenhagen. I was now in a long-distance relationship and in an apprenticeship that was not only physically hard work but also incredibly emotionally stressfull. I slipped back into my pattern of abuse. This time it wasn’t quite so bad, but I would smoke a joint every night after work to help me come down and relax after a hard day.

It has just carried on from there. My ex hated me smoking, I think because of our time in London, and wanted me to stop. I couldn’t, but out of fear of losing her I decided to hide it. Stupid decision. But that’s material for another post.

At least I’ve identified the source of my abuse and can now begin to do something about it. I haven’t smoked dope today, well done!