The secret smoker

So day two is over. It wasn’t too hard. I had a bit of a pang today when I met up with my business partner and upon leaving he said he was going to stick around in the restaurant for a while and smoke a joint (we are closed today). The papers and hash were on the table and I managed to walk out. Feeling very chuffed about that. But once again I’m in bed early. Partly to write my journal but also to stop me getting bored watching tv and then sneaking out to pick something up. A much better idea going to bed if you ask me.

Well I’ve titled this post the secret smoker. That’s what I was. A secret and lonely smoker. My ex made it very clear that she disagreed with me smoking dope. As much as I love her I didn’t seem to be able to stop. So I hid it. Fucking junkie! But then again I’m the sort of person that if you tell me not to do something I’ll just go right ahead and do it. Probably what lead me down this path was a combination of stubbornness and addiction. Hopefully I’ve grown up now!

How did I hide it? Many different ways. I had secret stashes around the appartment and I tried to be careful. Sometimes she found unsmoked cigarette stubs, other times papers. But then I either admitted that yeah I still smoked occasionally or that the evidence was very old and I’m not smoking at the moment. But when you’re clearing out a freezerbag full of buttends and papers from behind the bookshelf every 3 months, then you know you’re a secret smoker.

How would I smoke without being caught. I would roll on the toilet. If you put the hash in your groin, it warms up and you can fluff it without a flame, because a lighter makes a noise. I would sit on the toilet and roll my joint. Usually I’d let her go to bed first so that I had peace and quiet on the toilet, then I’d smoke my “goodnight cigarette” out the window. Then I’d brush my teeth and go to bed. Sometimes she was asleep, sometimes still awake but she rarely noticed. 

It wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy being together with her. It wasn’t because I was trying to escape from her company. Not at all! I loved being around her. I just needed to stop the everyday thoughts running through my head from driving me insane. Under the influence those thoughts could just flow freely and I wouldn’t have to lie there analysing them. 

I am so sorry I deceived you baby. You were my one and everything and the reason why I smoked was not in any way your fault. I’m sorry.